a Sunday escape

weekend are meant for quite a few things. there is usually a huge list of activities and theories about weekends. weekends are for taking a break from routine, for fixing things you can't during the week due to professional commitments..planning for next week, spending times with friends, reading books you were meaning to since long, going for an outing and so on..
heard a song, about a sleepless night, and desire for sleep for a moment, desire to let a dream run through its course, a dream that was broken, i remember this as my wish from childhood. i always wondered why i could not re-run the same dream if i tried sleeping again.why a moment is lost forever.. it does, i know that for a fact now and i knew it then, but why i do not know.
it is interesting how sometimes time runs in circles,you come to same point in your life again and again, and then you don't, in another dimension there is no turning back..
when i say no turning back, it gives the moment a weight, i wonder if i did the best i could in that moment, and then at another level it hardly matters..each moment of our lives we make a decision, on how to live it, or someone else makes it, or we make a policy on doing something or not doing it and we follow it..
we need structures, decisions, policies, orders and religion to assuage this fear of not making the right decision, the dread of making a decision each and every millisecond..
what it means is that the most important thing in one's life is to find the right anxiety management structure.. it doesn't make a difference all the time, but it makes you less anxious. so the proverbial;'he died smiling, in a ditch, shot several times and wounded, in intense pain in some faraway unknown country'.
now what happens if i make a wrong choice, or not make this decision at all, early enough in life?
i will be finding the hitherto unknown things, so i might become a fidgety, anxious, discoverer, or i might become a slob, i might find doing anything extremely difficult, start considering it a lost cause.
I might decide world to be a wonderland, and live in it, with interesting results, depending upon my station in life, if i were a prince, people might find my behaviour queer, but i might still live a happy life. if i were a to fend for myself, thing will be difficult.
who makes this choice for us, early in our age? or what influences it? what influences a fruitful evolution suitable for my life and times?
Parents, family, friends, environment & genetics are possible culprits.
interesting thought, a successful politician indulging in nepotism isn't really doing such a bad thing. he is sharing the fruits of success to those who make it possible..;)

learnings from things I read and see

the title is a contradiction in itself. Do I not see the things i read?
Some will argue that seeing implies observation and realization-association with things in real life. but then so it is with a book.
Living a life is as good as reading about it?
A scholar in ancient ages believed it to be so, and hence he asked the travelers in his boat to give up their lives rather than parting with his books and throwing them overboard when he was caught in a storm.
Therein lies a maxim 'never travel in the same boat as a scholar'-same goes with other important, learned men, men with 'vision'.
Men with vision deal with intangibles, would weigh you and these things, take decisions often at your expense considering the way the weigh goes usually..
It is better to be a scholar who loves books, a politician who loves his flag,a linguist who loves his language.
Wisdom brings ability to sacrifice some things for others, being these things relieves you of responsibility of making that important choice, of saving books that no one will read vs sailors who will die anyway.
This is why it is important to learn, go for higher education.
 I was reading about neglect of higher education by our government, which turned out to be an academic cribbing about couple of foxes of wrong colored coat not being ousted from their cushy VC posts..
I sympathize with academic. his book is being thrown overboard, he has every right to grumble.

one page from a 'staggered' night

one late night, staggering out of a 'watering hole' i realized i had nowhere to go. i had been living a dream for many years, a dream not extraordinary in any respect, an ordinary dream.
i often spoke about it, wrote about it, alluded to it, hinted at it, deep inside,i knew it to be a lost dream, deep inside i knew to be alive, it had to alive, it had to immortal for it was my dream.
Where do you go when you have nowhere to go?
well you land up somewhere where you can sleep peacefully until you were wiser, that is if you were fortunate.if you were unfortunate, you end up turning to one of the places that were..you might get eaten up by hungry wolves, or simply curious ones, (or you might join them. you might end up in places where people believe in euthanasia, or with someone who believes in enduring the suffering, preserving the sacred life and such non-sense.
there might also be places who are angry enough to bury you in them, and places that love you so much to let you lie/cocoon you in themselves.
Having nowhere to go throws up interesting possibilities, by choice or otherwise, it is interesting because you can walk for ages and reach nowhere, precisely from where you started, and that takes out responsibility from your actions, you can afford to be reckless, take chances.
this makes your dilemma quite absurd, and interesting, almost unreal to yourself.not unlike a dream from where we started.
I started from a memory, a powerful memory,etched, possibly with too strong a reagent, burning and blackening and blurring the written, making it illegible, unforgettable.
That night, and many nights before and after, i made some wrong choices, and many right ones,which are which, the perspective changes, as if i was watching the past from a fast moving train,torturing through the mountains and valleys, you climb higher and see the same track, the same view as if entirely renewed until finally, after many trips, you tune out the view and surprises, beauty and lessons it offers.
if you decide to go everywhere,do you reach somewhere in the end? not necessarily.
it's just that you understand that all the trips you took were on wrong path and right path at the same time, and it is possible to create magic..